It is a year ago this week that I started my Sex Addicts Anonymous journey. Actually, I should call it my recovery journey as there are several physical, emotional and spiritual aspects to it. Not just sex. Sometimes I see that as the cause of my coming in to recovery, but really I came in because the way I was dealing with life experiences was broken. My actions/motivations were unsustainable. They were hurting me, hurting my spouse, hurting my family. Directly or indirectly, I was channeling negative energy into the universe. I knew that had to change. I needed to reverse the polarity of my life.
Staying with the battery analogy, I still don’t feel fully charged. When things go wrong, I feel dangerously drained. I try to reach out for energy where I had previously found it – in acting out with sex or food. These two elixirs of life – sustaining and nourishing when approached with sound mind and body – are dangerous in the hands of an addicted mind with boundary issues.
So, I’ve sought help. From myself. From my fellowship. From my spouse. From my kids. From my therapists and medical practitioners. From my higher power
This is a work in progress. I never expect it to be complete. It will be a daily management issue that someday will come as easily to me as breathing or thinking. Right now, it’s hard. I am still in my infancy as far as recovery goes. When I am sad or frustrated or angry, I have tantrums like a baby would. I don’t yet “have the words” to express my wants or needs, in a mature and integrated way.
My journey began a year ago. I hope that sharing it allows for other addicts to gain insight into their own issues and journeys, and that my experience promotes discussion among my readers.