Failure, right out of the blocks

23 March 2016

I tried ripping the previous page out of my journal – that’s how well I did following my *new* boundaries in the last 36 hours.  On the bright side, I didn’t go on my favourite dating site or sleep with anyone!  On the dark side, I ate all the rest of the food in the house – even after I had my meal replacement shakes for the day.  I was feeling so sorry for myself that I skipped work yesterday.  That led me to stay in bed and ultimately to a couple of trips to my favourite porn site.  Strike Three!

I am on the Rapidbus, in the north part of Hull, and I just saw three young deer in the valley where I will be bicycling soon.  That was a wonderful surprise this morning.

I went to a men’s Meetup last night, and they are a nice bunch of guys.  I hope that we get out and do some of the activities we discussed, as the weather improves.  First one is cycling sometime in mid-April.

C. and I had a long talk late into the night.  I am trying to separate the lying and deceit that I identify as my nature from the addictive/acting out nature that she comes from.  Chicken or egg?  Will separating my behaviours out and dealing with them more 1-on-1 be a help of a hindrance to my recovery?  Can I address that long list of negative behaviours without stumbling on one – and tripping on all the rest?  How do I collect “white stones” when I am failing in some of my stated goals?

Many questions unanswered as of today . . .


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