23 March 2016, 8:15pm
Spent the last couple of hours working in the Big Red Book (Facing the Shadow, 3rd Ed., ISBN 0985063378). Feeling quite disgusted with myself, it was all I could do to walk past the golden arches on the way to the bus stop on Wellington St. I’ve stopped there many times to feed the void within me. Not tonight. I wonder if something has changed? Probably not.
I say that not out of low self-esteem, or self loathing. It’s because I was in contact with a woman from my past tonight. T. formerly of Toronto, who moved away to British Columbia years ago with her family. Of course, my initial approach is very light-hearted. Hey! Are you her? OMG! Hahaha. But I am really wondering if she is on the outs with her husband, and whether she would fuck me if it came to that point.
Now the most difficult question. What do I tell C.? She had a long and gruesome text to me today, that makes it sound like she is going to pack it in. How can my truth be shown the light, with that kind of background? I am scared that the wrong word or implication, or gesture, will end our marriage. It is tough for me to speed that possibility to fruition by speaking about another woman. In Ottawa. From my past.
I also think of D. and I exchanging messages last week, promising to catch up in April. Me not disclosing to C., after I promised her I would tell her about any approaches and/or interactions with women.
Then there is the unsigned message from I don’t know who. Saying she heard Electric Light Orchestra and thought of me. A? M-A? L? I deleted it right away and did not tell C. about it. I still don’t want to be open about these people. Not because I am angling for a repeat performance with any of them. Because I don’t want to answer for what I’ve done. Denial runs strong and deep in me.