Realization

25 March 2016

It’s just past midnight and I am at the bus station. With 200 of my closest friends! Haha. They are sending at least four buses to Toronto at 1 am, so goes an extra long Easter weekend. I walked over here from St. Stephen’s . It took about 50 minutes, not sure how far it was. Oh, wait. Let me check Google Maps. Looks like I did a little over 4 km. It was cold, the wind was blowing too. Not much precipitation. I was glad I got the walk in. 20 minutes of exercise is one of my “outer circle” activities. The behaviours that I want to use to enhance my life, replacing the destructive behaviour that I’ve been engaged in.

The meeting tonight was good. Intense. B. did her First Step. She was very brave. Spoke well. Moved many of us listening. I shared about that line I saw in the Buddhist book,

I am powerless over my desires,
But I am not helpless in my choices.

It gives me hope. Mixed with the hope is a healthy dose of dread. C’s trip to Al-Anon has made her aware of the fact that I will never be free of what troubles me. I may learn to curb it, to manage it, or embrace my imperfection. In the back of her mind, she will always fear that I will continue to act out. Or slip. Or relapse. I wish it wasn’t so, but I know she is correct. The desires and strategies I’ve been demonstrating – although magnified or exagerated – have been there all along. Inside me. They ARE me. I am losing the wish to celebrate those qualities of my personality and psyche, but to deny them would be as much of a mistake.

I met J. tonight. His first meeting. I am a veteran now. No longer the “new guy”. Or so I will think in my head.  It must have been tough for him to come in.

I got to the church a bit early. The choir was practicing in the sanctuary – for Easter Sunday I would think? No joyous hymns on Good Friday. I guess Presbyterians don’t do Holy Thursday? No Last Brunch, or Washing of the Footsies?

J. and I made chitchat in the foyer after I finished shoveling off the steps and walkway outside. When I walked in, I glanced left and saw two lonely looking snow shovels leaning against the wall. Thinking about my service to the group and to our hosts, I picked up one and heaved slush for 10 minutes.

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