1 April 2016
I feel a bit wobbly getting vertical, after being sick in bed for three days. I did manage the bus trip back to YOW overnight on Tuesday, but I felt so bad at the bus station that I never seriously considered going into the office.
The good news is that I met all my inner and outer commitments during this period of illness. If I could avoid all of my temptations like this all the time, I wouldn’t be an addict. It’s strange, though. In my physical weakness, I find mental strength or maybe I’m overplaying the accomplishment. Maybe I was just so ugly sick that I couldn’t bring myself to trigger behaviours. I wonder as I get stronger what my choices will consist of.
April 1. April Fool’s Day. April Fool. A day to remind me of all the stupid, silly, irrational things I’ve done in service of my addiction. Or maybe I should say dangerous, selfish, unforegivable things I’ve done. I’m going to take some advice from my Employee Assistance Program consultant, and try to do 30 fellowship meetings in 30 days. Daily meetings for a month. Take it one day at a time. Try to recover one day at a time.
Maybe I should worry about recovering from an intestinal illness first! It turns out that the my neighbourhood in Gatineau has been under a (ahem) “preventative” boil-water order since Wednesday. I got word from my landlord today when I sent him the rent via e-transfer. Glad to know that the foul taste and my foul stomach today was not of my own doing. The pain and perspiration and chills kind of ended this afternoon when I made a trip to the toilet.
Still feeling a bit weak and undernourished, I decided to eat a healthy meal tonight. This led me to Govinda’s an All You Can Eat vegetarian buffet next door to the Sandy Hill Community Centre. There isn’t a lot on the menu, but Iit’s hot and fresh and vegan. Rice and curry. Lentils. A pleasant soup. Nice home baked bread. Sort of like banana bread, without the bananas.
I tried not to scarf down the food like I hadn’t eaten solid food in four days . . . but I haven’t had solid food in four days! I weighed in at 257 lbs this morning, down 10 pounds from what I was getting home last week. The yoyoing can’t be good for me. I wish I could get below 250 lbs and keep going.
I guess that will come with regular cycling – but it doesn’t seem like the weather or my kit or my health are all in alignment to begin that routine. I certainly don’t think I can ride to the Clinic tomorrow for my first men’s group therapy session. Or can I? What are the alternatives?
1) Walk for 4 ½ hours (x2) Cost $0
2) Ride for 1 ½ hours (x2) Cost $0
3) Bus for 1 ½ hours (x2) Cost $15
Which do you think I’m leaning toward?
The weather doesn’t sound nice for tomorrow. 80 percent chance of precipitation, totalling 1-3 mm of rain over the course of the day. I don’t want to get caught out in it and get really sick. If I was feeling strong I would suck it up. But I’ve been feeling so shitty this week that I can’t even imagine slipping back. Plus, after the session is done, I have to get back home to do some work. Tomorrow is not the day to screw myself up for another few days.
I’ve noticed that I haven’t had too many passing thoughts about addictive behaviour while I’ve been sick. It seems when the body is weak, the mind is strong. And vice versa. I’ve been coughing up a storm sitting here at the restaurant. The lady keeping things organized at the hot table offered me ginger tea, of which I’ve just taken a couple of sips. It is warm and gingery (go figure!) Not like the teas and mouthwash that S. had me making and using. I should get back to those soon. Maybe it would help my scratchy throat.
A few minutes until the meeting starts. Time to gather my coat and thoughts and get myself to the Community Centre. And put my boots back on. It seems that no one comes into Govida’s with anything on but sock feet. Nice touch for a Krishna Temple/Student Cafeteria.