12 April 2016
Low mood right now. Not only because I’ve travelled back to Ottawa overnight, but C. called me at my desk at 9 am accusing me of being on Skype with G.. I can’t believe how completely stupid that idea is – given what I’ve told her. She is an irrational victim of this entire situation. But she triggers me. I feel rejected, isolated, angry, sad. What do you think all of those things make we want to do?
Eat, yes. And act out. Find someone to soothe me. Tell me everything will be ok. Entwine limbs with me. Skin-on-skin. Kiss me and touch me like a lover does. Well, there is no one like that for me. Not anymore.
Instead, I marched up and down the cold streets of Ottawa. Trying to ignore every lunch board and restaurant entrance. I so wanted to go to the Food Hall at the Rideau Centre, and take out my anger and frustration on A&W or KFC, as I always do. As I always have.
Instead, today I walked. Slowly. Deliberately. I noticed a lot of women out walking too. That was not such a good thing. It puts me right into the place of wanting a woman to make everything feel better for me.
As if that would happen.
So here I sit in limbo. Journaling as if it will help. I feel quite desperate. Sigh. Back to my shit job. Or faking that I’m doing it. 😦