13 Apr 2016
It was a good meeting last night. I was emotional – wondering about how I try to bring my nascent recovery to home – where there is so much focus on the past.
I dealt with my feelings – the emptiness I felt, the only way available to me. I ate a very large and delicious selection of sushi, but it cost too much and I was using it as a crutch for the way I was feeling.
C. said that the names on Skype triggered her. Well, her unfounded accusations trigger me. It puts me in a place of real danger. Close to where I was when I reached out to other women to soothe my pain. It is a lonely place – that line between acting out and staying sober. Just across it is the answer to my needs. Just across it is the continuation of my demons. What is on this side of the line? Loneliness, anger, depression, anxiety.
I have to place my outer circle in that area just inside that line. Where good things can grow. Then I won’t be tempted to deal with negativity in a self-destructive way. Good thing I was so tired last night – I was too tired to get into any trouble with my boundaries.