Which side of the line?

13 Apr 2016

It was a good meeting last night.  I was emotional – wondering about how I try to bring my nascent recovery to home – where there is so much focus on the past.

I dealt with my feelings – the emptiness I felt, the only way available to me.  I ate a very large and delicious selection of sushi, but it cost too much and I was using it as a crutch for the way I was feeling.

C. said that the names on Skype triggered her.  Well, her unfounded accusations trigger me.  It puts me in a place of real danger.  Close to where I was when I reached out to other women to soothe my pain.  It is a lonely place – that line between acting out and staying sober.  Just across it is the answer to my needs.  Just across it is the continuation of my demons.  What is on this side of the line?  Loneliness, anger, depression, anxiety.

I have to place my outer circle in that area just inside that line.  Where good things can grow.  Then I won’t be tempted to deal with negativity in a self-destructive way.  Good thing I was so tired last night – I was too tired to get into any trouble with my boundaries.

low, Low, LOW

12 April 2016

Low,

Low,

Low mood right now.  Not only because I’ve travelled back to Ottawa overnight, but C. called me at my desk at 9 am accusing me of being on Skype with G..    I can’t believe how completely stupid that idea is – given what I’ve told her.  She is an irrational victim of this entire situation.  But she triggers me.  I feel rejected, isolated, angry, sad.  What do you think all of those things make we want to do?

Eat, yes.  And act out.  Find someone to soothe me.  Tell me everything will be ok.  Entwine limbs with me.  Skin-on-skin.  Kiss me and touch me like a lover does.  Well, there is no one like that for me.  Not anymore.

Instead, I marched up and down the cold streets of Ottawa.  Trying to ignore every lunch board and restaurant entrance.  I so wanted to go to the Food Hall at the Rideau Centre, and take out my anger and frustration on A&W or KFC, as I always do.  As I always have.

Instead, today I walked.  Slowly. Deliberately. I noticed a lot of women out walking too.  That was not such a good thing.  It puts me right into the place of wanting a woman to make everything feel better for me.

As if that would happen.

So here I sit in limbo.  Journaling as if it will help.  I feel quite desperate.  Sigh.  Back to my shit job.  Or faking that I’m doing it.  😦

*Sigh*

5 April 2016

C. was in a self-describe “pissy” mood tonight. Blaming me for everything. Putting words in my mouth. Saying that I compared my “healthy” life to her unhealthy life during the worst of her depression.

What a load of bullshit. But she is flailing to find meaning in what has happened to us.

April Fool

1 April 2016

I feel a bit wobbly getting vertical, after being sick in bed for three days.  I did manage the bus trip back to YOW overnight on Tuesday, but I felt so bad at the bus station that I never seriously considered going into the office.

The good news is that I met all my inner and outer commitments during this period of illness.  If I could avoid all of my temptations like this all the time, I wouldn’t be an addict.  It’s strange, though.  In my physical weakness, I find mental strength or maybe I’m overplaying the accomplishment.  Maybe I was just so ugly sick that I couldn’t bring myself to trigger behaviours.  I wonder as I get stronger what my choices will consist of.

April 1.  April Fool’s Day.  April Fool.  A day to remind me of all the stupid, silly, irrational things I’ve done in service of my addiction.  Or maybe I should say dangerous, selfish, unforegivable things I’ve done.  I’m going to take some advice from my Employee Assistance Program consultant, and try to do 30 fellowship meetings in 30 days.  Daily meetings for a month.  Take it one day at a time.  Try to recover one day at a time.

Maybe I should worry about recovering from an intestinal illness first!  It turns out that the my neighbourhood in Gatineau has been under a (ahem) “preventative” boil-water order since Wednesday.  I got word from my landlord  today when I sent him the rent via e-transfer.  Glad to know that the foul taste and my foul stomach today was not of my own doing.   The pain and perspiration and chills kind of ended this afternoon when I made a trip to the toilet.

Still feeling a bit weak and undernourished, I decided to eat a healthy meal tonight.  This led me to Govinda’s an All You Can Eat vegetarian buffet next door to the Sandy Hill Community Centre.  There isn’t a lot on the menu, but Iit’s hot and fresh and vegan.  Rice and curry.  Lentils.  A pleasant soup. Nice home baked bread.   Sort of like banana bread, without the bananas.

I tried not to scarf down the food like I hadn’t eaten solid food in four days . . . but I haven’t had solid food in four days!   I weighed in at 257 lbs this morning, down 10 pounds from what I was getting home last week.  The yoyoing can’t be good for me.  I wish I could get below 250 lbs and keep going.

I guess that will come with regular cycling – but it doesn’t seem like the weather or my kit or my health are all in alignment to begin that routine.  I certainly don’t think I can ride to the Clinic tomorrow for my first men’s group therapy session.  Or can I?  What are the alternatives?

1) Walk for 4 ½ hours (x2)  Cost $0

2) Ride for 1 ½ hours (x2) Cost $0

3) Bus for 1 ½ hours (x2) Cost $15

Which  do you think I’m leaning toward?

The weather doesn’t sound nice for tomorrow.  80 percent chance of precipitation, totalling 1-3 mm of rain over the course of the day.  I don’t want to get caught out in it and get really sick.  If I was feeling strong I would suck it up.  But I’ve been feeling so shitty this week that I can’t even imagine slipping back.  Plus, after the session is done, I have to get back home to do some work.  Tomorrow is not the day to screw myself up for another few days.

I’ve noticed that I haven’t had too many passing thoughts about addictive behaviour while I’ve been sick.  It seems when the body is weak, the mind is strong.  And vice versa.  I’ve been coughing up a storm sitting here at the restaurant.  The lady keeping things organized at the hot table offered me ginger tea, of which I’ve just taken a couple of sips.  It is warm and gingery (go figure!)  Not like the teas and mouthwash that S. had me making and using.  I should get back to those soon.  Maybe it would help my scratchy throat.

A few minutes until the meeting starts.  Time to gather my coat and thoughts and get myself to the Community Centre.  And put my boots back on.  It seems that no one comes into Govida’s with anything on but sock feet.  Nice touch for a Krishna Temple/Student Cafeteria.

Errors of Commission or Omission?

23 March 2016, 8:15pm

Spent the last couple of hours working in the Big Red Book (Facing the Shadow, 3rd Ed., ISBN 0985063378).  Feeling quite disgusted with myself, it was all I could do to walk past the golden arches on the way to the bus stop on Wellington St.  I’ve stopped there many times to feed the void within me.  Not tonight.  I wonder if something has changed?  Probably not.

I say that not out of low self-esteem, or self loathing.  It’s because I was in contact with a woman from my past tonight.  T. formerly of Toronto, who moved away to British Columbia years ago with her family.  Of course, my initial approach is very light-hearted.  Hey!  Are you her?  OMG!  Hahaha.  But I am really wondering if she is on the outs with her husband, and whether she would fuck me if it came to that point.

Now the most difficult question.  What do I tell C.?  She had a long and gruesome text to me today, that makes it sound like she is going to pack it in.  How can my truth be shown the light, with that kind of background?  I am scared that the wrong word or implication, or gesture, will end our marriage.  It is tough for me to speed that possibility to fruition by speaking about another woman.  In Ottawa.  From my past.

I also think of D. and I exchanging messages last week, promising to catch up in April.  Me not disclosing to C., after I promised her I would tell her about any approaches and/or interactions with women.

Then there is the unsigned message from I don’t know who.  Saying she heard Electric Light Orchestra and thought of me.  A?  M-A? L?  I deleted it right away and did not tell C. about it. I still don’t want to be open about these people.  Not because I am angling for a repeat performance with any of them.  Because I don’t want to answer for what I’ve done.  Denial runs strong and deep in me.

 

Failure, right out of the blocks

23 March 2016

I tried ripping the previous page out of my journal – that’s how well I did following my *new* boundaries in the last 36 hours.  On the bright side, I didn’t go on my favourite dating site or sleep with anyone!  On the dark side, I ate all the rest of the food in the house – even after I had my meal replacement shakes for the day.  I was feeling so sorry for myself that I skipped work yesterday.  That led me to stay in bed and ultimately to a couple of trips to my favourite porn site.  Strike Three!

I am on the Rapidbus, in the north part of Hull, and I just saw three young deer in the valley where I will be bicycling soon.  That was a wonderful surprise this morning.

I went to a men’s Meetup last night, and they are a nice bunch of guys.  I hope that we get out and do some of the activities we discussed, as the weather improves.  First one is cycling sometime in mid-April.

C. and I had a long talk late into the night.  I am trying to separate the lying and deceit that I identify as my nature from the addictive/acting out nature that she comes from.  Chicken or egg?  Will separating my behaviours out and dealing with them more 1-on-1 be a help of a hindrance to my recovery?  Can I address that long list of negative behaviours without stumbling on one – and tripping on all the rest?  How do I collect “white stones” when I am failing in some of my stated goals?

Many questions unanswered as of today . . .